I had planned on blogging as soon as I got home, but jetlag kicked my butt this time around!! Plus I basically went right back to work the day after I got home…work + jetlag = one tired girl…lol! I think and hope that I’m finally caught up!
So, you’re all probably wondering how everything turned out, right? We had our “official” blood results back on Friday, but needed a day or two for it to all sink in. I have to admit, the time from transfer to blood test feels like an ETERNITY and during that time I become a pee on a stick addict. I should seriously buy stock in First Response. I tell myself every time that I’m not going to obsess over testing and that I will stay away from Google…I once again failed…lol…it’s so freaking hard!! I started testing at 4dp5dt (four day past a five day transfer) as that’s when we got our positive last time around (I know it was super early, but it was twins so it showed positive). I tested every day, at least twice a day (I told you I have a problem) and was getting negatives each time. But, we still had hope. A lot of women don’t get positives until closer to 8 or 9 days past their transfers and some even later if only pregnant with a singleton. I had my beta (blood pregnancy test) at 9dp5dt. The Dr called shortly after 9am while I was at work the next morning. “Hi Michelle, this is Dr. Salter and I have the results to your blood test”. My heart was racing; I took a deep breath in. “I’m sorry to say, you’re not pregnant.” I didn’t really hear anything else she said after that. My heart sunk. I kind of knew that I wasn’t going to get a positive based on our at home results, but I really had hope that just maybe the blood test would come out positive. Actually hearing the words come out of my Dr’s mouth made it official and that sucked. Getting the news at work really sucked. All I wanted to do was to crawl into my bed, under my covers and cry. Instead, I went into the bathroom for a quick cry, and then somehow pulled it together for the rest of the day and did my best to act like it was any other Friday. Life goes on, right?
This isn’t our first rodeo, so we’re used to the whole failed cycle scenario, but it doesn’t make it any easier when it happens. You experience this horrible feeling of loss, the loss of something you never physically had, but it still hurts the same. It worked for us last time, so we expected it to work this time (although we know you should NEVER expect anything when it comes to infertility treatments). Plus for me, since it’s my body I can’t help but to feel like it’s somehow my fault. Deep down I KNOW it’s not my fault, but it’s a feeling that’s hard to shake. So we are on our way to healing. Are we okay today? Truthfully? No. Will we be okay? Yes…in time.
We KNOW this process works! It’s worked for us before. We don’t know why it didn’t work this time. My lining looked perfect, the embryos looked perfect (looked being the key word since we didn’t have them genetically tested), but for whatever reason they never attached. So, the big question….are we going to do it again? I’m going to let my body recover (pumping it full of drugs to make it think it’s pregnant, then suddenly stopping makes my body hate me!) and then we’ve decided that we are going to try again in December or January (recruiting for a travel partner has officially started…you know you want to go!).
I received a lot of questions while I was away about the process and my trip. In the upcoming weeks I’ll try to cover everything in detail so I can get all of your questions answered and if anyone has any other questions, please don’t hesitate to ask!
Thank you to everyone for your prayers and positive thoughts. Although we didn’t get the outcome we were hoping for, knowing that you were all rooting for us and have our backs makes this grieving process a little easier.
Xoxo – Michelle & Bill