Trust the Timing of Your Life. Trust Your Journey…this is one of my favorite quotes and I’ve really tried to lean on it during our infertility and adoption journey, but sometimes it’s just so hard to do!
As many of you know, we were matched with a new set of embryos and we made arrangements to travel back to the Czech Republic on January 30th. Unfortunately, I’m not writing this from the Czech Republic…the trip was cancelled 🙁
Three days before I was set to leave I went to one of my pre-trip doctor’s appointments. These appointments are usually super quick – just a quick ultrasound to check your lining, they give you your results and you’re gone. This time was a little different. When the ultrasound was done I asked the tech what my lining was, she verbally gave me the results (Which were perfect…if you’ve been through IVF you know how crucial this is!) then asked which doctor I would be seeing that day. I told her that I wasn’t seeing a doctor and that I just needed the printout to bring with me on my trip. She left the room, telling me that she was going to go get the printout. When the door opened the next time, it was the doctor, not the tech. I immediately felt a pit in the bottom of my stomach.
The doctor told me that they found 2 small masses in my uterus and that she wasn’t exactly sure what they were. Her actual words were, “They could be polyps, it could be scar tissue from your miscarriage, or they could be cancer. We don’t know.” At that point, I would have been okay with just the “we don’t know”. The pit in my stomach grew deeper. They scheduled me for a saline ultrasound (it gives a better picture of what’s going on) and biopsy that afternoon.
My head was spinning when I left the office! I hadn’t asked yet, but had a feeling that they were going to cancel my embryo adoption trip. I went home crying, grabbed Bill and then we headed to my next appointment.
The doctor did my saline ultrasound and biopsy in the same room she did the ultrasound to confirm my miscarriage. I became flooded with emotions. After my test she couldn’t confirm WHAT the masses were, just that they were indeed there. She also told me that not only was I going to have to cancel my embryo adoption trip, but that I would need surgery in the immediate future as well. Cue the tears, and surprisingly for me, anger. The doctor and nurse were trying to console me – “I know this must be tough, you’ve been through so much”. Ummm yeah, I realize that. I just wanted out of there.
The next few days were kind of a blur between cancelling all of my trip arrangements, communicating with my coordinator and clinic in the Czech Republic, getting my surgery scheduled, and the major pity party we were holding at our house! Canceling our trip and embryo adoption was hard enough, but now we were trying to wrap our heads around the fact that my health could be in danger and that I would be having surgery! It just didn’t seem fair, we didn’t even get to TRY this time, the chance was taken from us. But infertility isn’t fair. Infertility is like the Grinch on Christmas morning, but honestly, I think infertility is an even bigger ass hole.
In order to keep going, we always eventually move onto the “what’s, next” mode. Okay, so this isn’t going to work this time, what can we do next? When can we try again? My doctor in the Czech told me that after he reviews my surgical reports and if all looks well that we could try again in May or June. I know to most that doesn’t seem far away, but if you are in our shoes it’s an eternity.
So over the past few days I’ve been repeating, “Trust the timing of your life. Trust your journey”, trying, REALLY trying to have faith that there is a plan bigger than I can even imagine set in motion for me and my family. I’m going to be honest though, I’m not there yet, but I am REALLY trying.
We are still pursuing traditional adoption, but unfortunately we do not have the large amount of money saved up yet to pay upfront to work with an agency. If you or someone you know or even a friend of a friend is currently looking for a family for their unborn baby, please think of us and send them our way. Those of you that know Bill and I personally know that we have so much love to give and that it would really make our dreams come true to become parents.
Oh, and by the way, my surgery is scheduled for Monday, February 8th, so please send me all the good vibes you can!!
xoxo – Michelle